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My Poetry Sucks

Guess what? During my last sleepless night I found a site where you can get your poems critiqued as well as critique other people's poems.

So I submitted my poem January 15, 1947 to see what people would say about it.

While commenters tried to be nice, the general concesus is it sucks.

Sucks the big pickle.

One redeeming thought: They at least thought it wasn't "above the typical level of bad poetry." Yeah, that warms the cockles.

I am excited about some of the crits, though, as they told me WHY it sucked. Maybe I can learn how to actually write a decent poem.

Than again, maybe not. We'll see.

Obscene Money: How to Make a Living as a Writer

Obscene money...for Lou at http://crowdedheadcozybed.wordpress.com/2007/01/14/im-stuck/#comments

Most of the people I know who fail at writing do so out of ego. They dreamed of being a writer as a child. They saw themselves becoming rich, famous and respected.

They craved the attention--how else is everyone going to know just how deeply penetrating the thoughts of the quiet kid in the corner who didn't get a date to prom?

Their ego ends up getting in the way of everything they write. Sure, someone will write the great American novel, but it probably ain't gonna be them.

I don't write fiction, so if you want to write a semi-erotic tome with the girls I can't give you too much advice. You can make a living writing fiction, and you have a great start with the girls.

I would approach it much like you already are: Blog a chapter or two at a time, develop a following, capture email addresses from your fans. Once you get the book written you can self publish to your “in house list” using a print on demand service and selling through Amazon or your own web site.

The cool thing about selling on Amazon is you can do a promotion that will get your book to be a top 10 or even a #1 seller, then you can add that to your resume. It’s pretty easy to do.

Once you have demonstrated your book’s appeal, you can get an agent and he will get you a publisher. It’s not easy to get an agent, but if you have already sold a thousand copies through self-publishing, they tend to take notice.

There are also authors who self-publish fiction then travel around the country talking to book buyers at individual stores. It takes a lot of time and I doubt the money is as good as those who get picked up by a big publisher.

That’s general advice for fiction. I don’t know how much you will make, but you can likely sell 500 books with your initial release and maybe 2-3,000 more over the next 12 months. You will likely make $5 per book (self-publishing.)

Writing non-fiction is, I believe, easier and more profitable.

There are four paths to success in the non-fiction arena—I have had some success in all four. You can write for publications (online and off), you can do specialized writing for a specific industry, you can self-publish a single book or you can provide content for a subscription based site you own.

Writing for Other People’s Publications

The key to making money as a non-fiction writer (at least consistent money) is to have no ego. Find an editor, give him no hassles and write whatever he tells you to write. He'll love you and offer you more work.

The good part about this is there are no set hours, all you need is a computer and a telephone and you can make decent money once you are established.

Getting started a mid-circulation magazine will pay you $300-$500 for a 1,000 finished words. If you also provide pics then there is an additional payment of $75-$150 for each of your pictures they use.

Once you are established, large magazines will pay you thousands of dollars for a good article. (Other than a few exceptions, I didn’t get to this level—my writing skills just aren’t there. Yours likely could be/would be/are.)

There are a couple of downsides:

First, the editor is God. Typically he will pay by the word. Your assignments will come something like “I need 1,500 words on….” When you are starting out you will find some editors expect several re-writes. One of my first assignments was for a large circulation Christian magazine where I interviewed a guy, took a photog with me and wrote 3,500 words.

Due to editorial constraints it was cut to 400 words. I got paid $250 for 30 hours or more of work. (I will point out this editor was extremely apologetic and gave me many more assignments.)

Second, you have to write queries EVERY DAY. That is pretty brain wrenching. A query is where you propose to an editor a story idea. I got about 80% of the jobs I pitched, but if I wanted to make any real money I had to get 2-3 assignments per week.

That’s a lot of thinking, creativity, etc.

You use WritersMarket.com to find publications and editor names, etc. It costs $30 or so a year or $3 per month.

If you work basically full time you’re probably going to make $30,000.00 your first year and probably not over $40,000.00 your second.

Writing for a Specific Market

This is one step up from writing on a variety of topics for periodicals—this requires some research, skill and intelligence. It also pays very well in certain markets.

To accomplish this you need to focus your attention on “breaking into” a high-paying market. This requires a good deal of perseverance and creativity since there isn’t necessarily an “editor” who is looking for you.

For example: Robert Bly makes $500K a year writing ad copy. He decided ad copy jobs paid very well and he learned all he needed to learn to be an excellent copy writer. He then pursued every possible copy writing freelance job until he was making the living he wanted to be making.

I have done copy writing numerous times (though I don’t do it very often for others now) and I get from $2,500.00 to $10,000.00 for copy writing assignments. The higher end jobs tend to require more time, but can typically be done in two weeks part time.

I can teach almost anyone to write decent copy if they are a good student of people.

To break into a market you can offer your services free to a high profile company, asking for them to only pay you if they get certain results from the writing. It’s how I got my first big-money jobs. They have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Understand to be paid big money in this type of market you have to be able to deliver. They expect you to actually know what you are talking about—no one’s going to hand you $5,000.00 for drivel. Well, at least not usually.

Self-Publishing a Non-Fiction Book

This sounds tough, but it’s really pretty easy. I’ll outline it for you (broad strokes, if you need specifics I’ll be happy to provide them…)

Using some free and very low cost tools you identify search terms people are using to find information. It’s not difficult.

You identify a niche, write a “How To” book to cover it, put up a blog or 3 page website and then get to the top of Google for those search terms you identified. Trust me, except in very competitive markets, this is all pretty easy.

In May, 2003 I identified a market niche, wrote a 62 page report over 2 days, set it up to sell for $49.95, got to the top of Google within a couple weeks and have, to date, made over $120,000.00 from that single report—all hands off.

But the best is yet to come…

Writing Content for a Membership Site You Own

My most lucrative writing comes from a 20-30 page report I write each month.

I have a web site telling website owners how to write and web publish in such a way they get traffic to their website. I have several hundred members and they pay between $17 and $47 per month to get this report and a few other tools, etc.

It typically takes me less than 15 hours per month to write the report each month, though I have considered hiring someone to do the writing for me. Retention is good and we lose very few subscribers after the 3-4 month mark.

The key here is to find a topic where there is a demand for the information. If you have limited competition (my site is unique so it does well) then you can do very well. Just 500 members at $17.00 each is going to net you out $5K to $7K per month.

Some personal stuff…

I have not been well for the last few years. I have kidney problems, was in a gasoline explosion last year and severely burned over 25% of my body, I have heart trouble and no stamina.

Why does this matter?

I have only worked part-time for the last several years. Very part time. In spite of that I still make a boatload of money.

I know you are not in great physical shape. With your writing skills you should be able to make a large income writing. Even if it is just part-time.

Dahlia

Your eyes, your lips, your skin, your hair; I knew I must preserve you
Settled when the white-hot electric shock coursed down my spine
You would be my masterpiece

Lust is for school boy crushes and back seat romance
This was epic, more than mortal, more than power, eternal
You must be my masterpiece

Beauty fades, but yours will never; years, decades, eons unchanged
Enshrined in stark reality, achieving your fame dearly bought by infamy
You will be my masterpiece

As I lay you on the grass, placing you just as I had pictured it before
Beautiful butchery sealing your memory, no one but you and I understand
Forever, you are my masterpiece

Are You Just a Figment of My Mind

Are you just a figment of my mind
Constructed to give me absolutes and absolution
When I heard you speak was I talking to my self
When you answered prayer was it just dumb luck

Are my prayers just prophylactic phylacteries
Hedging my bets and covering my ass
Filed away like stacks of heavenly confetti
Waiting for the triumphant parade that never comes

Are you able to be measured like atoms on a pin
Are you purely natural living in another dimension
Curled to the tightest circle and as long as infinity
Planck small yet beyond my understanding

When a star exploded in the infinite past
Throwing its dust throughout the ether
Is that the moment my life was determined
All my prayers answered my faith created

Were my prophetic words just lucky guesses
Made without conscious thought from me
Did I just need an authority to give me reason
For poor self esteem, guilt and shame

But how many times can I win the lottery
Before somebody knows I cheated
Is there a point where evidence convicts
And once convicted might I find freedom

How can I ignore the record of my life
I didn’t control the events I was witness to
You are elusive—I know you better than most
But I really don’t know you at all

Tiny Me

Hiding deep inside my mind, lives my tiny me
Tiny lives in tiny house inside my brain you see

Tiny’s house has tiny door, window but no view
All he sees is curly brain, spongy grey in hue

But Tiny has a vital task, does it every day
He keeps me from the scary facts, he locks them all away

He has a box of mom, he has a box of dad
Not every thought about them, just ones that are bad

He has a box of lost fist fights, and stickings of the pins
He has a box of old dog bites, and banging of the shins

Another box holds Grandpa’s death, brought on by heart attack
Another holds stood up dates named Beth, and failure in the sack

But his biggest blackest box of all, sits high upon the shelf
Even Tiny won’t say what’s inside—can’t deal with it himself

When I get too close to what’s boxed, Tiny let’s out piercing squeal
And tells me now don’t be shocked, what’s in the box ain’t real

Tiny whispers really close—there’s really nothing inside
And tells me stories grandiose, building up my shattered pride

As Tiny lulls my mind to sleep, with stories even greater
I don’t have to think about the keep, not now maybe later

So I go through life pretending to be, greater than I am
Disabled to the truth you see, I’m a deeply wounded man

I Put Wheels on my Living Room

I put wheels on my living room
With couch and stereo
I lassoed a dinosaur
Just to make it go

I wanted to ride in comfort
With 5 speakers surround
And with my dinosaur a pullin’
I never touched the ground

I wore my dinosaur out quick
Going back and forth to shop
So I just picked another one
From the nursery round the block

Other people followed my lead
Putting wheels on their couch
With entertainment systems
To watch while they are out

Each one used a dinosaur
But that’s no real problem
There’re plenty at the nursery
Just hatching for adoption

So I road in comfort night and day
Countless dinosaurs I used
It really didn’t cost too much
Dinos less than walking shoes

But then one day to my dismay
They closed the nursery down
They used up the eggs, no more to lay
The dinos left our town

Up is Up and Down is Down

One day the Hawk found a magic scroll
With magic reading glasses beside
And he read and read and read and read
To learn the truth inside

And as he read he understood
For the very first time
That up was down and down was up
And to not teach this was a crime

So he began to teach his truth
Seen only through glasses and scroll
To little children, just 8 years old
And forums he did troll

The Hawk then took his magic scroll
And flew it to the bar
To tell scientists and lurkers there
The truth he learned afar

He challenged them to debate him on
The preachings of the scroll
Telling storied Steve and Dr. Murph
This truth would save their soul

So people came from far and wide
To witness the debate
ke assembled himself from rhyme
Kristine shimmied in late

Lou showed up with both the girls
Ambiguous sexuality and all
Old Man in the Sky was there
Occam’s toiletries joined the ball

Deadman brought an ancient skull
Shirley brought a hug
Arden looked like Fred Murtz
Dickie Hughes brought a pet bug

Louis flew from 'cross the pond
Mike came from project Steve
And Steve brought his long pin head
Russell said he'd have to leave

JuJuquisp came as the bat boy
Along with at least one crank
And just to guarantee expertise
Came Rev. Dr. Flank

Bob OH Bob was there as well
Along with his friend Faid
Blipey was their backup
Or at least that's what he said

Several came without a name
People like BWE
another two without a name
MCC and GCT

Icthyic came with smell of fish
Seizure stopped his salad tossing
Carlsonjok rode in on his steed
Stopped at every crossing

Midnight Voice spoke loud and clear
At any time of day
Stephen Elliot used his real name
Jeannot, French to the fray

Crabby brought apples by the ton
To strengthen and refresh
The Keiths all came down from the hills
Hundreds in the flesh

The knighted earl of dirty toes
Brought his funky self
JonF came without his H
Left home on the shelf

Wesley with his fuzzy face
Agreed to host the competition
And lurkers gathered round the ring
To watch Hawk try his mission

Up is down and down is up
Proclaimed Hawk to the crowd
No one can prove me wrong
No one here I vow

Dr. Murph with oversized head
To protect his mighty brain
Said Hawk you hold it right there
You talk like you’re insane

I’m not insane I know it’s true
It’s written on the scroll
look through these magic glasses
And this truth you will also know

Dr. Murph with patience great
Began at the beginning
Showing the Hawk why up is up
It left Hawk’s brain a spinning

Take off the glasses on your nose
Pleaded Murph to Hawk’s thick brain
Without the glasses you will see
It’s always been the same

But if up is up and down is down
Where does that leave my god?
The magic of the scroll proclaims
Up is up is just façade

So on and on the debate did rage
Through spring, summer and fall
‘till finally storied Steve stepped in
This has gone on far too long

Hawk has no evidence or facts
Nothing new since debate arose
And with those glasses cannot see
Anything beyond his nose

As Hawk looked through his glasses thick
It looked just the opposite to him
Everyone else could see he lost
His glasses proclaimed a win

The lurkers just shook their heads
A few of them did uncloak
Feeling sorry for the Hawkish man
Having pity on the bloke

So Hawk flew way to his special place
The Truth 4 Kids big hall
And everyone else let an empty sigh
Hawk didn’t learn anything at all

So let this be a story now
To people young and old
Up is up and down is down
No matter what the scrolls